Pissed as hell

As I write this, Kayla is still laying in a hospital bed, 6 days after her surgery.  Her stay at the hospital was only supposed to be 3-4 days.  Her recovery has been riddled with complications:

-Severe pain

-Severe nausea

-Delirium from being over-medicated because of her severe pain and nausea

It would be easy to get angry with the medical team, but I can’t.  They have been nothing but wonderful and attentive and caring.  It was a very invasive surgery, it was the second invasive surgery she’s had in just a few weeks’ span of time, and her young, strong, healthy body is just not used to being this sick and being on so many medications.

I am, however, pissed.  I’m pissed at God, Fate, Karma, or whoever the hell is in charge of my daughter’s life.  Why her?  What has she done to deserve this pain and suffering?  It’s bad enough that she was diagnosed with cancer and her life has been turned upside down, but then she has to have these complications from her surgery?  WHY?

Although I have been posting Kayla’s updates on Facebook and it’s been wonderful to see how everyone is showing their love and support for our family, I had to stop looking at Facebook for the time being.  It hurts to see how our lives have been turned upside down, while everyone else gets to move on with their daily lives.  The pictures of vacations, get-togethers, Bix pictures, friends’ running workouts…..I ache for these things.  I just want things to be normal for all of us again.  I want Kayla to feel healthy and go out with her friends and have fun.  I want to go on runs.  I want to go out with David and have a nice dinner without having to worry about getting back to the hospital, or wondering how Kayla is feeling.  I want a full night’s sleep.

I want this all to be over.  I want Kayla to be healthy and well, to be a normal 19-year-old again.

But this nightmare that we’re in is only beginning.  And I’m pissed as hell.

The encouraging news is that despite all of these things, Kayla is getting closer to going home.  Her pain is better.  The awful hallucinations and delirium that she was having have passed.  She is still battling nausea and a horrible headache, but the doctors are working on fixing this and my hope is that by tomorrow, we will see my baby smile again because she is feeling better.

I’m trying to figure out a healthy way to channel my anger because right now I want to scream and punch something.  Instead, I’m using the anger to stay strong because I feel like I’m hanging on by a thread.  When I feel like breaking down and losing hope, I channel the anger I have and fight through.

This sucks and it’s not fair.  But what can we do?  These are the cards we have been dealt; it’s a shitty hand, but we just have to bluff our way through until a better hand is dealt to us.

Our family, our friends, our love, our strength, our ANGER – together, whatever it takes, we will fight with Kayla and beat this cancer.

7 thoughts on “Pissed as hell

  1. I feel so bad for you and all of your family having to go through all this. I also would be so pissed and he’ll no it’s not fair for any of you. Hang in there an hour at a time. Sometimes a minute at a time. As for your anger find a punching bag, pillows and just beat the hell out of them. Remember you have so many friends and family that want to help. You say the word and we are there. I prey to God to step in and help cause enough already! So take a big deep breath and find a big stack of pillows and just go for it. WTH maybe it will help you for 10 minutes. You will get your normal life back and you’ll be stronger than any of us. But you also have to find a way to get some sleep so you will more helpful to your family in the days to come.


  2. I’m so very sorry. This post brings up lots of raw feelings. We were right there this time last year with D’s mom. As hard as that was, I’m sure it’s exponentially worse with your own child.


  3. Keep strong, this too shall pass and feel free to share your anger and your frustration with us, let them flow so you can deal with these horrible feelings face to face. You’re always in my thoughts even if I don’t know you and your family and I live on the opposite side of the world ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It sucks. It’s not fair. I’m angry as hell for you. I can’t even imagine how you’re feeling, nothing compares to this. I”m sorry and I’m gonna just keep praying and keeping you all close in thoughts because even though that’s not nearly good enough, it’s all I’ve got. ❤


  5. You are right to be pissed. It seems so unfair for a beautiful, vibrant young woman to have to go through this. I don’t dare put myself in your place and I can’t even attempt to put myself there. I would be bitter and pissed at the world. I’m thinking about you and Kayla.


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